My publisher was cool with shit

And the antidote to soporific surveys

I have a strong penchant for alliterations.

Stop Sending Shitty Surveys was my suggested title for Chapter 12 of my book Do Penguins Eat Peaches?

I wasn’t sure whether expletives would fly with my publisher.

But they did.

I was glad because the urge to cuss was strong when it came to my chapter on surveys.

Surveys can be useful AND surveys bore the pants off most people who are kind enough to fill them in.

I’m seeing many surveys (some very shitty some part-shitty) doing the mid-year rounds.

I start them (especially for brand, businesses and solopreneurs I like) and half way through I think - this is unlikely to lead to a decision, or I don’t relate to any of these options on the multiple choice list.

So my gift to you this week is a short list of things, rules if you like, that will make your surveys better. Guaranteed.

Better for you (aka you can make a decision on the back of them).

Better for the poor sods filling them in.🤣

Remember, we’re not aiming for the perfect survey and we certainly don’t need a PhD in statistics to bash out something that is good enough.

Here goes (I’ve made my rules spell CLEAR so you can remember them better and also because I think it looks very pro).

The CLEAR Survey Method

C – Clarify your goal first
What decision(s) are you trying to make? If you are not clear on that, don’t even bother. It’s a waste of everyone’s time. Let’s take an example. If you are trying to figure out whether your newsletter readers would pay for a subscription, don’t ask them random shit like: Where do you prefer to get your content? You Tube; Substack; Podcasts etc. This is ‘nice to know’ information. Cut to the chase with Do you currently subscribe to any paid newsletters? Do you currently pay for any online news providers? Let’s look for evidence of the behaviours we want to see. Make sense?

L – Limit your questions
Shorter surveys get more responses. Ten questions max unless you are rolling out the Census. Response rates drop fast the more questions you add. I’m a big fan of micro surveys - especially here on Substack where you can ask a couple of questions every week without overwhelming readers.

E – Eliminate what you already know
If you can get the information elsewhere (analytics data, research reports) don’t ask. Respect your respondent’s time and avoid questions you can get the answer to yourself. Don’t ask how often do you read Jungle Juice when you can clearly see who’s opening it in your analytics.

A – Add “Other” strategically
Especially in multiple choice questions. “Other (please specify)” can unlock surprising insight you hadn’t thought to include. You don’t know what you don’t know. For example How do you identify?

1. Freelancer

2. Consultant

3. Founder

4. CEO

5. Small business owner

6. Other (please specify). [this is where you gather info you didn’t know you didn’t know]

R – Reduce open-ended questions
An open-ended question is one you cannot answer by simply yes or no. These are harder to complete and even harder to analyse. Use them sparingly—and only when you genuinely want detail or colour. Two per ten question survey is my sweet spot and please whatever you do, don’t start with one. There’s nothing worse than opening a ‘quick’ survey and the first question is asking you to write a short novel: To what extent do you think…. (cue brain ache🤯).

Bonus: Test it before you send
A quick run-through with someone who didn’t write the survey can catch confusing or leading questions.

That’s it from me today. Hope this helps you next time you’re in survey mode.

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What have you got in store this week? On my end: my son is in the final stretch of his GCSEs (anyone else’s kid in exam season?); I’m booking an outdoor swim for the weekend (it’s going to be sizzling hot in London😎🏊‍♀️) and then plenty of client work keeping me happy and busy. Have a good one.

P.S. I got my first few direct book sales this week. What a feeling. Just need to pack them up now and send the penguins on their way. Still author-bundles left. A reminder of what you get if you buy directly from me:

Buy direct and get the extras:
📚 A signed copy of the book
📖 A limited-edition bookmark
🐧🍑 A penguin + peach sticker pack
✉️ Free UK shipping - UK deliveries only (order shipped between 2-3 working days)

All for £11.99. Cheapest you’ll find online (just don’t tell Bezos).

Get your personalised bundle here.